January 2010
60 posts
1/7 Jersey Shore
Good news for Jersey Shore fans – it was announced the entire original cast is coming back for a second season. MTV would have announced it earlier, but they were waiting on confirmation from Snookie’s hair poof.
1/6 Chevy
This is cool – Chevy announced it will provide a remote control with its upcoming Volt plug-in Hybrid. The new model is expected to be the easiest car to steal ever.
1/6 Biden
President and First Lady Michelle Obama have a new nephew- Austin Robinson – born on Monday at 7 pounds, 5 ounces. Most excited is Joe Biden, who now has someone new to play with.
1/4 Spanking
A new study shows that children who are spanked could grow up to be happier and more successful. The study was conducted by your creepy Uncle Larry.
12/23 Gorrillas
Yesterday at the Columbus Zoo in Ohio, Colo, the oldest captive gorilla in the world, celebrated her fifty-third birthday. Meaning gorilla menopause is right around the corner.
1/6 Re-election
In a potential sign of trouble for Democrats in the 2010 midterm elections, long-serving Senators Chris Dodd of Connecticut and Byron Dorgan of North Dakota announced this week that they will not run for re-election. Instead they’re going to start a rap duo.
1/6 Crime Rate
New York City last year had the fewest murders in the city since 1963. Meanwhile, at an all time high is cat on cat crime.
1/6 3D Televisions
Some of the products attracting the most interest at this week’s annual Consumer Electronics Show are 3D-capable television sets. Which means we are only steps away from inventing 3D porn.
1/12 David Paterson
New York’s Governor David Paterson is expected to propose a bill that would legalize ultimate fighting and steel-cage matches. His first proposed matchup, Conan vs. Leno.
1/12 Kirstie Alley
Kirstie Alley turned 59 today. She celebrated by having a birthday cake factory.
1/12 Underwear Thief
A man in Oregon pleaded guilty after he was caught wearing his female neighbor’s underwear last year. He was charged with negligee behavior.
1/11 Daycare
A man in Chicago was arrested for growing marijuana in his apartment right above a preschool. Police became suspicious when the man kept showing up for snacktime.
1/11 Swiss Army Knife
In addition to a garage door opener, the new Swiss Army knife comes with a nail file, a screwdriver, a pair of scissors a light, and an annoying guy who’s always showing it off.
1/11 Dave Matthews
Singer Dave Matthews of the Dave Matthews Band turned 43 this weekend. Those not invited to the party were instructed to crash.
1/11 Lieberman
During an interview on CNN yesterday, Senator Joe Lieberman said he wants administration officials to be “held accountable” for the underwear bomber on Flight 253. He proposed giving them all wedgies.
1/11 Emergency Landing
All 53 people aboard were safely evacuated yesterday when a United Airlines flight made an emergency landing at Newark Airport. The passengers were relieved, until they found out they were stuck in New Jersey.
1/11 Starbucks
A man in Chicago was arrested for fondling himself at a Starbucks. He’s been charged with two counts of teabagging.
1/8 David Hasselhoff
Sad news. David Hasselhoff is leaving “America’s Got Talent” after four seasons. He will now be hosting the Food Network show, “America’s Best Floorburger.”
1/8 Cafeteria Food
The New York Times had to shut down its cafeteria after several employees got sick over the past 24 hours. Apparently, they all ordered the number two.
1/8 The Unemployed
Hey everyone, this Sunday, January 10th is national No Pants Day! Or as the unemployed call it, more of the same.
1/7 Nancy Pelosi
Nancy Pelosi said yesterday that the Senate and House health care reform plans are “very close to” being reconciled. She continued, “Just like the feud between my forehead and my eyebrows.”
1/7 Taco Bell
Taco Bell has a new ad campaign for its “Fresco menu” that features a woman who lost 54 pounds by eating at the restaurant eight times a week. To be fair though, she lost most of the weight from post-taco diarrhea.
1/7 Bob Barker
After donating $5 million to the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, Bob Barker got a new anti-whaling ship named after him. But he was really hoping for, (announcer style) “A new car!”
1/7 Kevin Federline
A scientist in France created a new record by calculating to nearly 2.7 trillion decimal places of Pi. When hearing the story, Kevin Federline responded, “Where?”
1/6 Positive Lyrics
A new study found that teenagers who listen to music with positive lyrics are more caring and socially responsible. Or as their peers call them, nerds.
1/6 Church sex
A police officer in Germany was suspended for having sex in a Catholic church during mass. He’s being sentenced with one “our father ” and five “hail Marys.”
1/6 Library
Fourteen libraries in Queens are will no longer be open during the weekend because of budget cuts. Which means creepy men in Queens need to find somewhere else to secretly look at porn.
1/5 Underwear Bomber
President Obama met with the heads of intelligence agencies today to discuss the attempted bombing of Flight 253 on Christmas Day. The proceedings went longer than expected with Biden giggling every time they said underwear.
1/5 Train Crash
This is crazy. A passenger train in Helsinki, Finland crashed into a hotel yesterday morning. Which is the most anyone’s ever done to get a continental breakfast.
1/5 Pez
Sad news. Curtis Allina, the inventor of the Pez dispenser, has died at the age of 87. In attendance at his funeral, every single looney toon and Darth Vader.
1/4 Dubai
Dubai opened the world’s tallest skyscaper today - at 2,640 feet tall. In a related story, America opened it’s first three story McDonalds.
1/4 AT&T
AT&T just became the second major sponsor to drop Tiger Woods after his November scandal. AT&T users were excited to have something dropped other than their calls.
12/23 Angel Falls
Venezuelan Dictator Hugo Chavez said this week that he will rename the world’s tallest waterfall from Angel Falls to its indigenous name, Kerepakupai-Meru. Or for short, Angel Falls.
12/23 eBay
President Obama announced that Howard Schmidt – a former eBay and Microsoft executive – will be the government’s cyber security coordinator. The appointment will last for 1 year… how about 2 years? 3 years? I have 3.5 years. 4 years?
12/23 Marijuana
A new study found that teenagers who listen to music that mentions marijuana are more likely to use marijuana. A second study found that teenagers are more likely to use marijuana.
12/22 Alec Baldwin
I read that Alec Baldwin used a double while filming a nude scene for his new movie “It’s Complicated.” Apparently he didn’t want anyone seeing his schwetty balls.
12/22 Howard Stern
Big radio news - Howard Stern is threatening to quit Sirius XM Radio and is set to enter contract talks next year. They’ll review his whole contract. Even the private parts.
12/22 Yahoo
Yahoo announced it will close its offices from Christmas through New Year’s. Yahoo’s CEO insisted the move was meant to save money and has nothing to do with all the awkward stuff that happened at the company Christmas party.
1/4 Mega Millions
A couple from Long Island won the $162 million Mega Millions jackpot last week. But they’ve already spent half of it on hair gel and lawn ornaments.
12/22 Susan Boyle
Susan Boyle is being considered to sing the theme song for the next James Bond movie. Fans everywhere are excited for the chance to hear Boyle sing a different song.
12/22 Baby Beluga
Two baby beluga whales were born at the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago in the last week. The whales were delivered by Raffi.
12/22 Reindeer
Listen to this - a new study says the global reindeer population has dropped 60 percent in the last three decades due to climate change. It’s so bad, instead of 8 reindeer, Santa is having the Gosselin children pull his sleigh.
12/22 Cows
I was reading that Clark County, Wisconsin now has more cows living there than humans. Which explains Clark County’s official pastime: human tipping.
12/21 Kevin Federline
Kevin Federline appears as a Canadian border guard in the straight-to-DVD movie “American Pie Presents: The Book of Love,” which hits stores tomorrow. Federline agreed to be in the movie cause the word “pie” is in the title.
12/21 Genes
A new study found that the desire for alcohol and marijuana may be linked to the same gene. Also linked to that gene, the desire for pizza.
12/21 Times Op-Ed
Vice President Joe Biden wrote an Op-Ed piece in the New York Times over the weekend, making the case for health care reform. It was the first ever Times Op-Ed written in crayon.
12/21 Snow
We got 11 inches of snow this weekend in New York - the largest snowfall since February 2006, when we got 26 inches… Or one Snookie.
12/17 Tiger Woods Dubai
“The Tiger Woods Dubai” is a housing development and a golf course and is the first course designed by Tiger. Games on the course always start with the caddy asking, “Did somebody order a pizza?”
12/17 North Face
The clothing company North Face is suing the 18 year-old owner of South Butt, which is a line a clothes parodying North Face. They’re suing them for being the lamest parody ever.
12/17 Disturbing the Peace
A woman in England pled guilty this week to disturbing the peace with her noisy lovemaking that neighbors said sounded “unnatural.” Wow. You know it’s bad when even your neighbors can tell you’re faking it.