December 2009
55 posts
12/15 Airline Troubles
Bad news for holiday travelers. British Airways cabin crewmembers voted to strike during the busy Christmas period -resulting in massive delays for thousands of passengers. Which explains their new nickname, Delta.
12/14 Nursing Home
A 98-year-old woman in Massachusetts became the oldest person ever charged with murder in the state after she was accused of killing her 100-year-old roommate in a dispute at their nursing home. They were fighting over Francis, the handsome widow next door.
12/14 Video Game
There’s a new game for Xbox 360 called “Don’t Be Nervous Talking 2 Girls” and promises to teach you how to chat with the ladies. In the first level players are taught how to change out of their sweatpants.
12/14 Home Depot
President Obama will hold a meeting at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C. tomorrow - to discuss energy saving techniques. The meeting will be with members of the labor, manufacturing and small business communities. Also joining, a bunch of bored wives.
12/14 Price is right
“The Price is Right” host Bob Barker turned 86 this weekend. He celebrated by playing drunk plinko.
12/14 Sarah Palin
Sarah Palin returned to Alaska yesterday for the end of her national “Going Rogue” book tour. Said one moose, “Party’s over.”
12/11 Musical Vacuum
Electrolux just came out with a new vacuum with a built-in iPod doc and speakers - so you can listen to music while you clean. The idea came about when inventors got high and watched Fantasia.
12/11 Conveyor Belt
ABC has ordered Conveyor Belt of Love, where 30 men will be ushered by on a conveyer belt and will have 60 seconds to impress a panel of ladies. Women haven’t been this excited about conveyor belts since their last trip to Krispy Kreme.
12/11 Oprah
Oprah Winfrey’s White House Christmas Special airs this Sunday on ABC. In the special, she buys America.
12/11 Caddy
Tiger Woods reportedly hired two prostitutes for one encounter. One to have sex with, and the other to caddy.
12/10 Skinny House
The “skinniest house” in Britain is now on the market for $1 million. The property is 66 inches wide, or as New Yorkers call it, a mansion.
12/10 Airplane Radiation
This is scary. A new study found that airline passengers flying near lightning may be exposed to harmful levels of radiation. Which may be useful to passengers who need an extra hand carrying their bags.
12/10 Needy Norway
Citizens of Norway are furious that President Obama skipped a lunch with the King, a dinner with the Nobel committee, a concert in his honor and a press conference. Hey Norway, give a rest. He’s Just Not That Into You.
12/8 American Inventions
During his speech on job creation, Obama said he wants “America’s prosperity to be powered by what we invent and pioneer.” So there’s finally hope for the hamburger dipped in cheese and rolled into a pizza.
12/8 Kiki
Kiki, the tortoise - one of the world’s oldest animals - died last week in France at the age of 146. She died five feet from where she was born.
12/7 Lap Dance Research
A university in Britain is taking applications for a researcher who will study lap dancing. The position pays about $62,000 a year… In singles.
12/7 Health Hazards
The Environmental Protection Agency announced yesterday that greenhouse gases - from cars, power plants and factories - are a danger to humans’ health. The announcement comes from a study of things we already know.
12/6 Healthcare Hotline
This is crazy. Parents calling a children’s healthcare hotline at Florida Governor’s office were mistakenly directed to a phone sex hotline. The parents were confused when operators asked what their kids were wearing.
12/6 Miley Cyrus
Big news. Miley Cyrus just got a tattoo on her chest that says “Just breathe.” Her next one will be on her eyes, and say “blink.”
12/6 British Porn
A couple in Britain is planning on making a porno to help pay for their dream wedding in Mexico next month. In the video they will drink tequila and the woman will try to eat her fiancee’s worm.
12/6 Meat Thief
Police in Illinois arrested a woman for stealing $600 worth of meat from a supermarket. Officers are holding the woman in jail until she’s well done.
12/6 Airport Customs
Customs agents in Washington, D.C. arrested a man for trying to carry $4,000 worth of cocaine inside a cooked chicken onto an airplane. Officials were tipped off when the chicken started sweating.
12/2 White House Crashers
During an interview Tuesday on the Today Show, Michaele and Tareq Salahi, the couple who crashed the Obama administration’s first state dinner denied that they snuck into the White House event. Which would have been more convincing if they hadn’t started their interview by climbing through the Window on the World.
12/2 Hadron Collider
It was reported Monday that the Large Hadron Collider, the largest atom smasher in the world, broke the record for proton acceleration, sending beams of the particles at 1.18 trillion electron volts. The news was announced on the Playboy Channel for nerds.
12/2 Barbara Walters
Barbara Walters this week released her 10 Most Fascinating People of 2009 including Lady Gaga, Glenn Beck, and Kate Gosselin. Or as she calls them, Wady Gwagwa, Gwenn Bweck, and Kwate Gwossewin.
12/2 Troop Surge
President Obama said that the cost of the troop surge in Afghanistan would be 30 billion dollars and he pledged to work with Congress “openly and honestly” to find a way to pay the bill. Suggested Biden, “Lemonade stand?”
11/18 Rod Stewart
A prominent entertainment law firm in Los Angeles is suing Rod Stewart for legal fees. The firm claims he owes 3.3 million dollars, or 100,000 pairs of stretch pants.
11/18 American Obesity
A new study suggests that if current trends continue, 103 American adults, or 43 percent of the population, will be considered obese by 2018. Americans were so upset by the study, they ate a whole cake.
11/18 Baghdad Zoo
After many of its animals died during the 2003 invasion of Iraq, Baghdad’s Zoo is now experience a resurgence and has over 1000 animals on display including lions, monkeys, and the rare bears in burqas.
11/18 Soup Kitchens
It was announced this week that three Kosher soup kitchens are opening in Brooklyn and Queens, New York. The kitchens will serve matzo ball, split pea, and guilt.
11/18 Washington Blade
Washington Blade, the oldest newspaper in the U.S. for gays and lesbians, announced yesterday that it is shutting down after 40 years. The magazine is still deciding whether it wants to go out on the top or the bottom.
11/18 George Bush
Designs for George W. Bush’s Presidential library and policy institute were unveiled Wednesday in Dallas, and feature a lantern-shaped roof that will glow at night. One thing it won’t feature… books.
11/18 Mary
Zookeepers in Cleveland were surprised to discover this week that “Mary,” a tortoise that has been at the zoo for more than 50 years, was really a male. “I’m not surprised,” said Mitzi, the bi-curious gorilla.
11/11 Bears
Scientists at a zoo in Germany are not sure why a group of bears are mysteriously losing their hair. Rumor is they’re really stressed out about the zoo’s new younger bear Kevin.
11/11 The Vatican
This week, the Vatican hosted a 5-day conference to discuss astronomy - and the possibility of alien life. And by alien life, they mean Jewish people.
11/4 Bats
Scientists reported this week that female Chinese fruit bats add oral sex to get the males to prolong the act, which is rarely seen in the animal kingdom and homes of married people.
11/4 Sharks
According to a new study Pacific white sharks spend months near the northern and central California coast between August and February, contradicting earlier beliefs that they rarely went close to land. Scientists came to this conclusion after re-watching Jaws.
11/4 Food Stamps
A new survey found that 49% of all children in the U.S. are on food stamps at some point by the age of 20. The other 51% aren’t related to Old Dirty Bastard.
10/14 Monty Python
Sirius XM Radio announced “Monty Python Radio,” a 24/7 channel devoted to the British comedy troupe. The station premiered on Friday and will play popular clips in fans’ general direction.
10/14 Mass Wedding
This week the Reverend Sun Myung Moon of the Unification Church held a mass wedding for 20,000 people around the world. Moon was confident about the wedding until he thought about putting up with all of their drunk uncles.
10/14 Fat Baby
A 4 month-old, 17 pound baby in Colorado was briefly denied health care coverage by an insurance company because his “obesity” was ruled a pre-existing condition. The baby responded by eating them.
10/14 Haunted Townhouse
A townhouse in New York City that is reportedly haunted by a man in a top hat and tails, is now up for sale for 4.2 million dollars. A small price to pay to live with the dead grandfather of Mr. Peanut.
11/11 Michael Jackson
According to court documents, Michael Jackson’s funeral in September cost more than a million dollars. Which is the most Jackson’s estate has paid to bury anyone since the passing of Bubbles.
10/7
An Xbox 360 videogame console reportedly signed by Sarah Palin is being auctioned on eBay for 1.1 million dollars. The console is described as being in great condition, but likely to stop working for no reason.
10/7
In an e-mail to fans, Tyler Perry revealed that he was molested by a neighbor woman when he was 10. Which finally answers the question of why Madea went to jail.
10/7
A cable-access TV show in Minnesota has launched a new program to teach homeless people marketable skills in TV production. “I’m looking for a show that will pay me in booze,” said future production assistant Knuckles.
10/7
A court in Saudi Arabia on Wednesday convicted a man for publicly talking about sex after he bragged on a TV talk show about his exploits. The man was sentenced to five years in jail and 1,000 high fives.
9/22
On Wednesday, Vice President Joe Biden visited the Leisure World retirement community in Silver Springs, Maryland. Everything was going well until Biden got distracted by some jello.
9/22
In New York City, nannies from Tibet are the most sought-after caregivers for families in the city. Kids love playing with their dolly lamas.
9/22
Last Friday marked the final episode of the CBS soap opera Guiding Light, which has been on the air for 72 years. The show became nervous when they got a visit from a mysterious TV exec named Ramon.